Sometimes I Wish My Kids Had a Better Mom

Ever felt like you're failing as a mom despite giving it your all? You're not alone.  Today I share from my personal struggles as a mom.


Read the Blog
Sometimes I Wish My Kids Had a Better Mom

Chapters

• 0:00 Struggles of Being a Mom
• 12:42 Becoming the Mom They Needed
• 16:48 Confronting Mom Guilt and Repentance
• 21:52 Grace and Growth in Motherhood
• 26:50 Transforming Homes With God's Grace
• 30:37 Walking by Faith in Motherhood

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:13

Hello friends, welcome back to Grace for my Home. I'm so glad to be back here with you guys again this week and I hope that you're doing well. We're getting geared up for school. Our school year here in the South is going to start back the end of August. I think it's the third week in August that the kids will be going back to school and this year all three of my boys will be in high school together. They'll all be at the same school for the first time and the only time ever, because my oldest son he, graduates this year. He'll be a senior and he's graduating, and they're all at the high school where their dad is the principal, which has pros and cons. So pros for me, I'm glad that they're there with their dad, but they don't necessarily love it. But so we're getting ready for the school year and I'm trying to figure out what my year is going to look like. It'll be different for me because it'll be the first year I won't be homeschooling in about 12 years. But I know I have all kinds of things in my head that I want to do and projects that I want to start. So I'm looking forward to that and I'll let you know how that goes in the upcoming weeks, how that comes together.

Speaker 1: 2:35

I wanted to ask you this week, if you have any questions, send me those questions. I'd like to do a question and answer episode where I just answer questions that listeners have sent in, and so if you have any questions, if you think of anything you'd like to ask it can be anything Just send me a message, let me know. In the show notes are several ways to get in touch with me. My email is there. You can contact me through Facebook and also that really cool text application that I've told you about. It just says text me and it'll come directly to me. If you use that, do keep in mind that I can't respond back unless you put your email address in the message, and if you send me questions, I'll do my best to answer them. Also, I want to remind you that if Grace For my Home has been a blessing to you and you would like to give back, you can do that at Buy Me A Coffeemeacoffee link is in my show notes also, and that's just a way of saying thanks and letting me know that this is the kind of podcast that you want. That is encouraging to you, that what I'm doing is actually helping. Today I want to talk with you about a sensitive subject, not something easy for me to talk about, but it's one of the very reasons that I do this podcast.

Speaker 1: 4:05

I have struggled throughout the years, wishing that I was a better mom, and especially when I was a new mom, I often felt like I was a bad mom. And now, as God has been gracious and throughout the years I have grown in wisdom and in confidence, I still struggle. We all do. We all have issues where we wish we were better, things we wish we could do over, things we wish we could do over. We all have those areas and those things that we just we know. If we knew now, if we knew then what we know now, we would do different. But I started this podcast because, as the years went by and the Lord helped me to see things through his eyes and he matured me and did a work in me through his eyes and he matured me and did a work in me. I so wanted to encourage other women that I knew were going through similar struggles, or I felt there were other women out there who needed to hear that he is gracious and compassionate, that he is slow to anger and he is rich in love and that he wants to help. And so I just wanted to share it with you today that I, too, have struggled with just wishing that I were a better mom.

Speaker 1: 5:27

I never dreamed about being a mom. I wasn't one of these people who thought about her wedding and then thought about having kids. I really had a plan to be a career woman. That was my heart's desire. I just, I don't know, it's just how I always that's. What I always wanted is I wanted to go to college, I wanted to get my degree, I wanted to be independent. I did want a husband, but it wasn't the only thing I thought about. And I wasn't really sure about kids. I mean, I like kids. I didn't have anything, any issue with kids. I just I wasn't very comfortable around kids, I guess, because I just never was around little ones and I never had. I never felt like I had that maternal instinct and I really wondered if I wanted kids.

Speaker 1: 6:15

Even after I got married, when I turned 30, I started getting serious about it. I was like, okay, if we're going to have children, now's the time, and so we prayed about it and the Lord saw fit to send us our first son. And I remember in the hospital when the nurse laid that little thing in my arms and I just my life was changed forever. You know, one of the reasons that I was hesitant to have children is so many people told me, oh, this will change your life forever. Forever, your life is no longer your own, it will all be about the children, and that scared me. I thought, well, I don't know if I want to make that kind of life-changing decision, but when they laid him in my arms I understood. It does change everything forever, but for good.

Speaker 1: 7:28

And so from that moment on I wanted to be the best mom in the world. I wanted to give that little one, and then eventually his brother, and then eventually his brother. I wanted to give them everything that I was capable of giving them. I wanted to give them everything that I was capable of giving them. I wanted to meet all the needs that God put me on this earth to meet for my children. And God used my children to do a work in me, and I'm very thankful for that. But there was a lot of work to be done, because just to have the desire to be a good mom, just to have that longing to do things well. I believe that's God-given. I really do just like the maternal instinct. I believe that was just the Lord that gave me that desire to be a good mom and to have children and to be a good mom. But to have the desire and then to have the wisdom and the understanding and the ability to carry it out are two totally different things. But you got to have the desire right. I mean, you got the desire points you in the right direction.

Speaker 1: 8:34

And so I remember, as a young mom, so many things came up in my heart. You know, I didn't even know I had an anger issue. I've said this before on the podcast. I didn't even know I had an anger issue until I had kids. A lot of people just told me I'm just the sweetest thing, you're just the sweetest thing. You just have such a sweet spirit. You know, you're so patient. And I just then kids came along and I thought, oh, you just don't know. You don't know the real me. I didn't know the real me.

Speaker 1: 9:06

As you know, I was praying for my children and I was, you know, seeking the Lord's will. I knew I didn't have what it was going to take. I knew that I needed more than I had in my own self and one of the areas you know they kids have so many needs, right? They have so many needs and and I felt pretty confident that I could meet the physical needs right. I mean, I could do the things that need to be done. I did need energy and strength because it was a lot, but I felt pretty confident of what needed to be done.

Speaker 1: 9:43

You know the emotional needs, that was a different story. That was, you know, that took a lot emotionally. It takes a lot out of you to meet emotional needs, but I felt like I had a pretty good idea of what was needed. But it was the spiritual needs that I struggled with. See, I so wanted my children to walk with the Lord. I wanted them to love God, to know God, to trust him, and I really didn't know how to pass that along to my kids. I wanted them to have a real relationship with Jesus, and I didn't know how to give them that.

Speaker 1: 10:25

And through prayer. I remember praying through my quiet times and all while that. I remember praying while I was rocking them and just praying. Lord, show me what this child needs spiritually. Show me how to give them faith, and I, I really felt like the Lord spoke to me and said if you want me to be real in their life, then let me be real in your life. You can't give them what you don't have. And I said okay, lord, I want that. Yes, help me to make it. So that's what I want. I want you to be real in my life and I want you to be real in their life. And after that, I just started trying to figure out. What does that mean? What does that look like? And what it looks like is I'm walking with God. You know, when we walk with God, when we get real with God, when we get serious with God, when we make him voice, when we learn to obey, when we allow him to correct us, then it creates an atmosphere in our homes where he is Lord and there's power in that. You know, we have to be the kind of people that we want our children to be, people that we want our children to be.

Speaker 1: 12:14

The problem was, I wasn't that person that I wanted my children to be. I had a desire to be that person, but I wasn't that person, and so I often felt like I was failing. I felt like I was failing God. I felt like I was felling them because I'm a very flawed person I still am. I was very aware of my own issues, but I love them so much that I wanted them to have the best mama in the world.

Speaker 1: 12:43

But I just knew that wasn't me. Like I loved them so much that I wanted them to have better than me, but they were stuck with me and I just felt like I wasn't good enough for them. They deserved so much better and I just hated that. They got stuck with me and the only thing to do was to become the mom that they needed. I couldn't, you know. There was nobody else coming in to rescue us, right? There was no other mama coming to help me. There was no other mama coming to take them. I was it.

Speaker 1: 13:20

I was the one God had given them, and so if I wanted them to have a good mama, then I was going to have to allow the Lord to make me that mama that they needed. The hard thing was there was no pause button. Like I just wanted to pause and maybe go away to a retreat or somewhere and become a good mama and then come back home and be this new person. But it doesn't work like that. You know, this was going to have to play out in real time and I didn't like that too much because that this was going to have to play out in real time and I didn't like that too much because that's messy and I don't like to mess up. I like to figure things out and then do them perfectly, and it didn't work that way.

Speaker 1: 14:00

When we're walking with the Lord because it's messy A lot of times when he puts his finger on things if we're serious about allowing him to change us, then we have to walk through some hard times that we'd rather not and it's really. It feels a lot easier just to ignore the things that he's putting his finger on because, you know, we can just pretend that everything's fine, but when he's really dealing with us, if we want to change, if we want to be the people that we want our children to be, then we have to listen and allow him to do the hard work in our hearts and our minds and not fake it. You know you can't fake it. If you fake it, then what you're teaching your children is it's more important to look like a Christian and to act like you love Jesus than to really love Jesus, than to really be who he called us to be. Now I'm not going to say I haven't done that on occasion, but my heart's goal, my desire, is to be the real deal, is to be the person that I want my children to become, and you see how this is not an easy ABC like I'll do one, two and three and then I'll be that person. This is a heart issue. This is a lifetime of change issue. I'm still in the process. I've come a long ways, but I'm still in the process and we're never done. He's always working on us, but he was working on me in real time and so my kids got to see a lot of the ugly.

Speaker 1: 15:38

You know, I spoke last week on having a quiet time and I've done a podcast and a blog post on devotionals, on having devotional times with our children, having times where we get the Bible out and we actually share about times with our children, having times where we get the Bible out and we actually share about God with our children. I think those times are so important when we're trying to pass on our faith to our children, and so I was excited about starting devotional times with my children and I remember I don't remember if it, I don't remember if it was the first, but it was one of the first times that I ever wanted. It might've been the first time, but I wanted to sit down with them. I had a song we were going to sing and I had a Bible verse we were going to talk about, and I was going to keep it short, but I was like, okay, this is our thing, we're going to do this every day. And I called everybody together. It wasn't hard to call the youngest because he wasn't even one yet, so I pulled him over and then I called the other two and we were going to have this devotion. And I was very excited about this, guys, because it was like, yes, I'm going to do this, we're going to do this thing.

Speaker 1: 16:49

And one kid I had to pull him off of Legos, and so that didn't go well right there. And the other kid refused to sing the song. He was just this is stupid, I'm not singing this song. And so I'm like, okay, we're going to sing the song. We got through the song. One didn't sing, one couldn't sing, one couldn't sing, I sang, you know, then we go to the math, to the, to the Bible verse Nobody wants to be there. Everybody's cranky. Um, I'm having to. Don't touch him. Stop that, put that down.

Speaker 1: 17:21

Well, before it was done, I was livid. I mean, I just had a meltdown, and I was, I was, I just I lost it. There's no other way to say it. I lost my temper in the middle of devotion. And let me, let me just give you an example of some of the thoughts that's going through my head as I'm yelling at my children while I'm supposed to be telling them about Jesus. Okay, here are the thoughts that are going through my head. I am such a bad mom. This is horrible. I don't know what I'm doing. Other moms know how to do this. What's wrong with me? They never listen to me. This is such a waste of time. This is stupid. Why am I even trying? Those are the kind of things that are going through my head.

Speaker 1: 18:13

And when I finish my hissy fit that's what we call it here in the South and I kind of come to my senses, I have three little boys with big blue eyes staring up at me, scared. They're afraid of me. You know this thing that I was so excited about. Well, here I am. I have just spewed all over them my anger and I was so ashamed I put the baby in the playpen, I told the other two to go back to playing and I went into my closet in my bedroom and I just cried and I said, lord, I'm sorry, I'm such a bad mom. What is wrong with me? You know what's wrong with me.

Speaker 1: 18:56

And see, the hard part was it was only like eight o'clock in the morning, so I had the whole day to go and I just wanted somebody to come and relieve me. You know, if I was at work, I'd have called in and said, hey, I need somebody to. I got to go home but I was stuck. I didn't have anybody to rescue me and I was so ashamed to go back out there to my children because I felt like I had hurt them and I was trying to give them Jesus and I ended up just giving them my anger, my issues, and so I said, lord, what on earth am I going to do? And so I said, lord, I want to keep it real, I don't want to pretend. I mean, I don't ever want to do devotions again, but I knew I had to. Don't ever want to do devotions again, but I knew I had to.

Speaker 1: 19:50

So I repented to the Lord in my room. I repented Lord, I'm sorry, I repent. I know that this is me, it's not them. I wanted to blame them. I wanted to blame a four-year-old and a three-year-old for me, for my lack of self-control. So I repented to the Lord, I asked him to forgive me.

Speaker 1: 20:10

I went out and I told my three-year-old and four-year-old and the baby I don't think he understood very much. I said Mama is sorry, I am so sorry, I lost my temper, it was not your fault, please forgive me. And they did, they were gracious and forgave me and I tried to be very careful not to say but you shouldn't have, because see, when you say that, it's like I'm sorry, but it was really your fault, it wasn't their fault, it was my problem. And so I said Mama is so sorry, please forgive me. They forgave me, but the problem was I couldn't forgive myself.

Speaker 1: 20:54

I had a really hard time forgiving myself and so the whole day I lived under condemnation and guilt and there was a heaviness, you know, in the house. And it was my heaviness, I'm sure, but there were a lot of days like that and the reason that I'm telling you this is because I want you to understand that building a godly home is a lot of work, but most of it is hard work. It's hard work, hard work, it's hard work. But the hardest part of it is when God is dealing with your heart, because if you want God to be real to your children, he has to be real to you and you have to be real with them. And that's how it works. There are things I can tell you and I will to help, but you just need to know.

Speaker 1: 21:53

I feel like we need to understand that it's normal to not know what we're doing when we're trying to do things we've never done, and when we're really trying to change, it looks messy and we have to have grace with ourself and with our children, and we have to remember that God has grace with us. That's why I named my podcast Grace for my Home, because I realized, I found out he has enough grace. He has enough grace. He has enough grace Even on days like that, when I want to just go bury myself in a hole somewhere and I just want to go back and find a daycare Because I think they might be better off with somebody else. No, god's called me to do this. He's going to give me grace to do this, even on these days.

Speaker 1: 22:51

And I think about the ladies who are listening, who have little ones or maybe big ones, and you felt this way, and I think about you. Know, if you came to me and asked Audrey and you told me this story and you said this happened to me, what would I say to you? I want to say the first thing I would say is the first thing I would do would be to give you a big hug and tell you it's okay, I understand and don't give up. That's the first thing I would say. And I know we want advice. I mean, maybe I shouldn't, and I know we want advice. I mean maybe I shouldn't say that Sometimes I want advice. I'm like, okay, well, I understand, it's okay, but what should I do? Right, what should I do? Well, if you want to know, if you want some advice, I'll give you some advice. But I do want to start off and preface the advice this way. You're not going to figure it out overnight.

Speaker 1: 23:54

God is doing a work. He's doing a deep work and those who will allow him, god isn't real in our lives, he isn't Lord of our lives, until we allow him to touch the places in our hearts that he wants to touch. We must allow him to deal with us in the areas that we'd rather not, the areas that we would rather not deal with, if we want his power to heal and to save and to flow freely to us and through us into our homes. So if I had to give you pointers or ideas or things that I would do if I were in your situation, if you have had days like this, the first thing I would tell you is, like I said before, don't give up. Don't stop trying to do the things of God, the things that God has called you to do or showed you to do, because you do them imperfectly. Keep doing the right things, even imperfectly.

Speaker 1: 25:07

Number two be honest and transparent. When you mess up, don't try to shift the blame to your kids or to your husband, or to your hormones, or to your parents or you know. Just be honest. I messed up and I have these issues. Lord, deal with me. Messed up and I have these issues. Lord, deal with me. Ask your kids to forgive you. Forgive yourself. Sometimes it takes longer for you to forgive yourself than it does for your kids to forgive you.

Speaker 1: 25:40

The third thing I would say is spend some quiet time with Jesus, because that is where we are changed into the image of Christ. Last week I did a whole podcast on how to spend quiet time with Jesus, and one of the reasons that is so important is because when we're in his presence, that's when we become like him. We become what we behold. You know, if you're in a busy department store, it's hard to hear God because he speaks in that still small voice. And that's why it's called quiet time, because sometimes we've got to get along where it's quiet so we can hear his whisper, so we can hear him talking to us, so we can hear the things that he's put on our hearts and so we can sense what he's putting his finger on, the things he wants to deal with. And so we've got to get quiet, we've got to get in a place where he can deal with us, where we can allow the Holy Spirit to deal with our hearts, so that we can obey him, so that we can hear him. We've got to pray, we've got to get along with him. We've got to spend that quiet can hear him. We've got to pray, we've got to get along with him, we've got to spend that quiet time with him.

Speaker 1: 26:51

And number four is we've got to change the atmosphere of our homes. As God changes the atmosphere in our hearts, we have to speak life into our homes. We have to say you know, we're not living like that. We're going to have fun in this house, we're going to enjoy God in this house. We're going to have grace with each other in this house. You know, we get to decide how we live and we're going to live a good life, you know. And when we mess up with each other, we're going to forgive each other and we're going to love each other, no matter what. And it starts with you and me, it starts with the adults and it flows down to the kids. You know I've seen my kids forgive each other when I didn't have to facilitate it. Now. I've had to facilitate it many a time. But when you know they're catching it, when you start seeing them forgive each other and you didn't have to say now you need to forgive your brother or you need to ask your brother to forgive you you know they're getting it when they're doing it on their own and that's a good thing.

Speaker 1: 28:01

Number five remember that God's grace is enough. Live in his grace. You know there's a scripture that says don't frustrate the grace is enough. Live in his grace. You know there's a scripture that says don't frustrate the grace of God. What frustrates the grace of God when we don't receive it, when we act like we don't need it? We'll do it ourselves. No, thank you Lord, I'll do this myself. You need the grace of God. This is the only way. You're never going to be the person that God called you to be. In your own strength and your own ability, you're not going to tough it out. You're not going to grind your you know, grind your teeth and just make it happen. You're not going to do that. But you can't do that. If you could do that, if you could be the person God called you to be, if you could be right with God without the grace of God, without Jesus, then Jesus died in vain. You've got to lean into his grace and it's enough. It's enough.

Speaker 1: 28:58

And number six celebrate your successes. If you're only concentrating, if you only remember, if you only have eyes to see your mistakes and your problems and your failures, then that's what you'll gravitate towards. That's who you think you are. I'm just a big old mistake. Every day I make a big old mess. But if you learn to celebrate even the small successes, it's so encouraging. Encourage your children when you see them grow, but encourage yourself when you see you grow. It says in the Bible that David encouraged himself in the Lord. So you may need to call somebody and say, hey, listen, I did not blow it today during devotion time. That's a success. Unfortunately, that was a success for me. I had to call and say, hey, we had a good devotion today. My kids didn't listen and I still didn't lose my patience with them. That was a success. But we need to celebrate our successes and we'll see more of them.

Speaker 1: 30:03

And number seven is don't give up. And you might say well, that's what you said, that was the first one. Well, it's the first and the last. Don't give up. You don't fail if you don't give up. Failing is just giving up. You know, a righteous man falls seven times and he gets back up. If we don't give up on ourselves and on our children and on the vision that God's given us for our homes, on ourselves and on our children and on the vision that God's given us for our homes, we will see it come to pass and we'll see change. But don't give up.

Speaker 1: 30:38

So, audrey, how do I do all these things? How do I do all these things? By faith, it's all by faith. By faith, I'm going to try again. By faith, I'm going to believe, when I failed so many times that it just doesn't feel like I'm a good mom. By faith, I'm going to believe that God has given me enough grace to impart to these children what they need for a lifetime and the little bit of time that I have with them. And I'm going to trust him with their hearts and their minds that God will do what I can't, and that's just.

Speaker 1: 31:21

That's my story and I tell you that story it's not. It doesn't paint me and it doesn't paint me in a very good light. But I want you to know the real me. Because if, if you, if I'm not honest with you and I make this sound easy, then you'll wonder what's wrong with me. And I just want to tell you there's nothing wrong with you. God knew you and he knew the mama that your children need, and as long as you've got your face towards him and you're walking by faith and in grace and being real, he'll be real to you and he'll be real to your children. You got this thing, mama. Just don't give up. Mama just don't give up. Father, I thank you for my friends that are walking with you by faith, that are believing you for miracles in the lives of their children, and I thank you, lord, god, that you've got enough grace. You've got enough miracles for all of us. God, stir our hearts, lord, help us. Lord, god, we believe, help our unbelief and I thank you for it, lord, today, in Jesus' name, amen.