Growing Together: 4 Things I've Learned in 23 Years of Marriage

Marriage has been a refining journey that has taught me valuable lessons about love, forgiveness, and partnership over the past 23 years with my husband Michael.

• My husband is not Jesus – only God can heal our deepest wounds and meet our deepest needs
• Forgiveness is required daily – learning to forgive quickly makes marriage healthier and less exhausting
• Laughter is our marriage health check – when laughter fades, it's time to be intentional about reconnecting
• We are partners, not projects – constant criticism closes hearts; seeing the good in each other creates connection
• God knew what He was doing when He joined us together to help each other mature

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome and Event Announcement
• 5:53 Lesson 1: Your Spouse Is Not Jesus
• 11:08 Lesson 2: Forgiveness Is Required Daily
• 13:42 Lesson 3: Laughter As Marriage Health Check
• 15:09 Lesson 4: Partners Not Projects
• 19:13 Closing Prayer and Invitation

Transcript

Audrey: 1:13

Hello and welcome back to Grace From my Home. I'm Audrey McCracken and I'm so glad you've joined me here again this week. I hope and pray that you're doing well. We're on vacation right now, so I'm tucked away in my hotel room recording this because I didn't want to miss a week. Before I forget. I want to share with you an event that's coming up. I'm pretty excited about it and I wanted to share it with you, my listeners.

Audrey: 1:39

On Saturday, august 9th, from 5 to 7 pm, I'm having an event at our coffee shop, awaken Coffee Bar in Mullen, south Carolina, and it's called Covered in Prayer A Night for Moms. I'm really excited about this. I've had several people who you know they've purchased my book Covered in Prayer, but they want community. They say you know I pray these prayers, but I would love to have a group of women to pray together, and so that's where the idea came. I said, well, we can do that. So if you live in or around the Mullins area and Mullins is in this it's not too far from the North Carolina border and Mullins is in this it's not too far from the North Carolina border, and also it borders up against Horry County, which is the county that Myrtle Beach is in. So if you live in or around that area and you are interested, we would love to have you. I would love to meet you. The event is free. It's sponsored by Christian Fellowship Church, which is my church, also Awaken Coffee Bar, and Grace for my Home, which is my blog, also Awaken Coffee Bar and Grace for my Home, which is my blog and podcast. So the event is free, but we do ask you to register. So we have a number. Space is limited and we want to make sure we have enough food for everyone and enough space for everyone. So if that sounds like something you'd be interested in, please go to the show notes and register. I'll put a. Please go to the show notes and register. I'll put a link there in the show notes. I also sent out registration information to those who are on my email list, so if you are not on my email list, now's a good time to do that. You get to stay up to date with things like this that are going on, but we would so love to have you, so if you're interested in that, like I said, it's going to be Saturday, august 9th, from 5 to 7 pm. We will have a meal together, we'll have some time for sharing and then we will pray together for our children, believing the Lord to do a work in our families.

Audrey: 3:29

A few weeks ago, I mentioned to you guys that my husband and I were celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary, and we've been married now 23 years and it doesn't feel like it. That was fast. And when I look back on 23 years, first of all I just want to say I'm so thankful for 23 years with Michael. He is truly a blessing. But I see where I've grown. I see so much where I've grown.

Audrey: 4:01

And just reflecting on those 23 years of marriage, I wanted to share with you four things that marriage has taught me. Now, it's taught me a lot more than four things. I could probably list 20. But as I was thinking and reflecting, these are the four that stood out in my mind because, honestly, that's what marriage does. It makes us grow. Whether we want to grow or not, it makes us grow. You know there's a scripture in the Bible that says iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another, and that's what marriage is like. We rub up against each other in all of the hard places and we sharpen each other and we change each other, and it's a good thing. But this week I want to share with you just four lessons that marriage has taught me.

Audrey: 4:48

Marriage is beautiful, it is a gift, it's also a refining journey, but the first thing that marriage has taught me is that my husband is not Jesus. And you may say well, audrey, you didn't know that before. Well, I did in theory. I did in my mind. If you'd ask, audrey, are you marrying Jesus? I'd be like, oh no, I'm marrying Michael. But in my heart there was a hope that Michael would fix the areas where I was broken. See, when I came to the Lord, I was broken. When I came to Jesus, I was a mess and he did a lot of healing. Some of it was instant, but most of it has been a process.

Audrey: 5:35

And when I came to Mary Michael, I had been serving the Lord for about seven years at that time and he had been serving the Lord a little longer than me, about eight or nine years. So we were not new Christians, but definitely not seasoned Christians either, and we'd both prayed for our life partner and we felt like the Lord had spoken to each of us and put us in each other's path and we believed it was the Lord that we were joined together in marriage, and I knew he wasn't Jesus. I knew he wasn't perfect, but there was things in my heart that were still not healed and I thought that a husband not necessarily you know Michael specifically but a husband would fill those gaps. And that's a that's a big burden to put on somebody, I learned.

Audrey: 6:26

It took me a while, but I learned that Michael is not my savior, he's not my healer. He is, he cannot make me whole. Only Jesus can do that. Now he is my partner and he is my friend and he is a gift from the Lord. But he's human and he is just like I'm trying to get healed of things from my past, just like I'm trying to grow and mature and let the Lord deal with my flaws and my character issues and my sin. So is Michael doing the same thing and he's carrying his own past. He's dealing with his own struggles and I can't fix him and he can't fix me. But when we walk together with Jesus, jesus helps us. See, only Jesus can heal, only Jesus can satisfy those deep places in both of us. And as long as he's pulling at me, trying to get me to heal him, and I'm pulling at him, trying to get him to heal me and to meet those deepest needs, both of us.

Audrey: 7:28

While we did that there was a time we were both doing that both of us were frustrated and left unsatisfied and feeling like somewhere along the way we missed the Lord. And I, you know, when I, like I said when I first came to the Lord, I had I had a lot of issues, and I had I still. When I married Michael, I was dealing with issues of rejection, and so I read a lot of things into things that were not there, because when you have an offense, when you're dealing with the fear of rejection, you take small things as a rejection that were not meant to be a rejection. They weren't a rejection at all, but because I was still operating out of an unhealed heart and I was looking to Michael to make me feel whole and to make me happy, then I misinterpreted a lot and I put a burden on him that he could not carry, and so it took a while for us to see what was going on that God gave us marriage to meet certain needs, but that he is always our Savior, that he is the one who saves, that he is the one who heals, that he is the one who meets me in the deepest places of my heart and that no person, no human, can do that only God. And that no person, no human, can do that only God. And when we realize that it takes a lot of pressure off of our partner because we're not putting that expectation on them, and then we can enjoy them for what they are and for why God put them in our life. And you know we're not asking the impossible of them. When somebody expects the impossible of you, it doesn't make you want to be around them, you know. You know you cannot meet that that need. You know you cannot meet up to their expectations and you're always going to be a disappointment to them and so you don't want to be around them. And so when we both grew and realized marriage is good but it's not everything, then you know it was like a relief. Vow, okay, well, he. You know I don't have to be perfect and he doesn't have to be perfect. Let's let Jesus be perfect and let's learn how to love each other the right way.

Audrey: 9:50

The second lesson that marriage has taught me is that forgiveness is required every day. Jesus told his disciples that they must forgive 70 times, seven times, and in marriage that feels about right. You can't move forward with someone in a relationship when you're constantly holding on to a fence. When you're angry, you can't move forward, you can't love that person. The Bible also says that you shouldn't let the sun go down on your wrath. You shouldn't go to bed angry. Well, I will tell you, I have done that many times. I shouldn't and I know I shouldn't, but I have you. I have done that many times. I shouldn't and I know I shouldn't, but I have, and we have had to learn. I have had to learn to forgive and to move on. Forgiveness is like breathing. You need to keep doing it to stay alive. Your marriage, if it's going to stay alive, you have to learn how to forgive, and you have to remember that not only do you have to forgive your partner, but there's going to be times when you need your partner to forgive you, because you're not perfect either, and so you need to be generous with your forgiveness. You need to be generous with grace, because you want that to come back to you. Now.

Audrey: 11:14

Offenses don't last that long, usually in our home, because I've learned to forgive, and one reason I've learned to forgive is because I've matured, I've grown. Another reason is because unforgiveness is exhausting Dealing with offense, dealing with anger, it's exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally, and I don't want to live like that anymore. You know, I don't want strife in my life. So I've learned to forgive because it's so much nicer to live when you're not constantly offended or not constantly upset or hurt. And so I've learned that I want to live in forgiveness. I want to just let it be a part of our lives where we don't have to be hurt at every turn, or angry or upset. And also I've learned Michael's heart. I've learned over the years that he does not want to hurt me. He's not trying to hurt me. I've come to trust that he didn't get it right all the time, but his heart is to do what is right by me, and so forgiveness is required every day in a healthy marriage.

Audrey: 12:23

The third lesson that I've learned in 23 years of marriage is that laughter is the health check of our marriage. When we're laughing together, we're in a good place. When we're laughing together, we're in a good place. But when that laughter fades, it's time to be intentional about putting joy back into our marriage. That's the time when, if possible and I know that during different seasons this is not as easy as it is during other seasons but if possible, that's when you need to spend some time together doing something fun, doing something that's not serious, you know, going to the movies together, going and having a meal together, going on vacation, just sitting in the living room and watching funny movies together something to help you to connect and to laugh together. You know, not talking about the bills, not talking about the kids or work, just doing something that you both enjoy, where you can enjoy each other and you can remember why you married each other and the things that you love about each other. And that keeps things light and that keeps things healthy. You know, when everything is serious, it just sucks all the life out of your home and out of your marriage. So laughter is a way to to judge where are we right now, and the good thing about it is you can always add it. That's not only is it a good check, it's also a good ingredient to add back into your marriage.

Audrey: 13:50

The fourth lesson that I've learned from 23 years of marriage is that we are partners and we are not projects. The Bible says submit one to another and in marriage we are a gift from the Lord to each other. Michael is my gift and I am his gift, and we are partners and we do life together. He is not my project to fix and I am not his project to fix. And that is so hard when you see things and you want to say things, to remember he is not my project to fix. Now does that mean there's not a time to say something? No, you have the right to say something when you feel like you need to say something. But let me just tell you, the more you say, the less he hears. See, the more picky I am and the more fault I find, then, the less and less he listens when I share something with him. That is important, because if he sees me as always finding fault and always being critical, then he closes his heart to me. And so I've learned through the years that it is wise not to say everything that you think or not to call into question every little thing. Let a lot of things slide.

Audrey: 15:11

That's part of being married, that you are an imperfect person married to another imperfect person, and if we're constantly picking at each other and finding fault with each other, there is no joy in that marriage and there's and you don't want to be around that person. None of us want to be around someone who is critical all the time or finding fault with us. We want to be around people who see the good in us, who believe good things about us and who encourage us. That's who we want to be around and so that's who we need to be, so that our partner wants to be with us and so that our partner wants to be with us and so that our partner, when we do need to say something that may not be easy to say, that they have ears to hear, that they can hear our heart behind it and they know. Okay, if she's telling me this, then this must be important and I've had to learn that.

Audrey: 15:58

I've had to learn that I am not Michael's mother. I am his wife. He does not need another mother. He has a mother. She is a great mother. I am not a good mother for Michael. I need to be careful how much advice I give. If Michael asks my opinion, I'm going to freely give it, but there are a lot of areas that I'm not going to give my opinion, unless he asks Now if it's important, if it affects our children and you know it affects something that I think is really important for me to share this that he may not like this, but I need to share it. I'll share it, but I'm not looking for those things. I will deal with those things as they come. You will enjoy marriage so much more when you start living as partners and not projects, and it starts with you. You know you cannot control what your husband does. You can't control him. You are only responsible for yourself.

Audrey: 16:55

Are there things I wish were different about my husband? Absolutely? Are there things I wish I could just change? Absolutely? And I'm sure I know he feels the same way about me. But as we've grown together over the years, as we've learned each other's heart, we've learned to trust each other, our marriage has become sweeter. I'm still learning, I'm still growing. So was my husband, but we're learning together and maybe that's what marriage is supposed to be. Maybe that's why God put us together. He knew what I needed and he knew what Michael needed, and he knew that together we would mature and we would become better people because of each other. And you know, isn't that beautiful. You know God knows what he's doing and I want to pray for you today before I let you go.

Audrey: 17:40

Don't forget if you'd like to attend Covered in Prayer, an evening for moms, just go to the show notes. You can register there. I would so love to have you there. If you have any questions also, you can email me. You can send me a message through Facebook or Instagram. I'd love to hear from you. But before I go, let me pray for you. Lord, we just thank you for the blessing, the gift of marriage. Help us to learn to release the pressure that we put on our spouses to be what only you can be. Teach us to love with patience, to forgive freely, to laugh often and to see each other as partners in grace. Help us to grow closer in a way that honors you In Jesus' name. Amen. Have a great week. Bye-bye.